Premonition

I couldn't sleep last night.

I felt my brain was ready to explode and I pictured myself dead the next day, my brain split open with a neon colored gooey mess with glitter and sparkles that are oozing out.

I am polar with a partially positive and a negative charge/thoughts. Maybe that explains Bi-Polar? 

I have so many questions and thoughts racing in my mind that are even exceeding the speed of light. Is everything real?

I rush outside and pace in the hallway, drink some water come back sit down try to breathe and be silent. I can see my friends sleeping peacefully and snoring. I can't sleep! why!?

I step outside in the balcony and see the twinkling stars. I say Hi! and wink at the moon but gaze deeply at the stars. 

The thrill gives me chills. Blood rushes into my cheeks not because of the freezing midnight air, but because of that spectacular sight. 

I wish I find someone that can admire it like I do. It ain't toxic to be quixotic right. I shun the idea of an ideal company and direct all the love towards myself. I open my arms and yell "I love you youniverse".

I almost stumble trying to get back. I know that sunlight gives you the blind spots, but now I was blinded by darkness, couldn't see or think straight. I plop down, roll from side to side, tossing around with my blue fur blankey like a puppy in mud.

I try to answer my question one at a time. I am in love with God. Not with life but with the creator. I marveled at the magnitude. We experience different emotions like pain, love, loss, happiness etc right. It's intensity is astonishing. I will not choose sides and say being happy is great and being sad sucks. The way we experience joy and sadness as this layered, deep inexplicable feeling is beyond relative comparison. Expressing emotions is external but its impression is internal. How can this happen?

How can the creator concoct everything? Matter, space, time, energy, etc. It isn't as easy as writing a program with logic. Not just the reality but also our imagination. Every single thought, idea, intention, action exists in a dimensional space or as a neural connection. Uncertainty and the Unknown. Reality and Illusion. How is everything connected?  

Okay before that, how am I connected to everything and everyone. DNA to our parents, okay but it isn't just the blood. How can someone identify me? Color, weight, height, nature, thoughts? But, I'm more than that and I change. How will my action, thought, existence matter at all in this speck of dust? Will my absence leave a vacuum behind or am I a product of dark energy?

It's stupid for people to question how the coincidences and miracles occur. Look at yourself and everything. Perhaps they should ask why they occur? Love? Friendship? Marriage? Do they sync and associate ultimately to material objects and pleasures? Is spirituality supreme?

Okay, stop. I am lost. Reality check. Aside from my fantastic fantasy, I decide to think about my future. Days of the FuturePast.

Behind the scenes, I dream to be a polymath. I ain't your pretty little Mona Lisa. I desire to be a DaVinci. Art aficionado. I can't remember learning the alphabet but vividly remember drawing flowers with crayons to oil painting on white canvas. Art teacher. I'll be a doctor and save lives. A decade back I hated math because I thought it was restricted to numbers. Now, I admire the infinity. Science and its secrets quenched my curiosity. Super Scientist. Later, Physics with its laws and phenomena was the real deal. I'll be the next gen Genetic Engineer. Entrepreneur. Spanish speaks to my soul. Psychology. Fashion design is my favorite. I'll be a monk. Author. Awesome always Aerospace. Pilot yes no wait Astronaut. Computer science, programmer AI. Philanthropist. Magnetized by Mechanical Engineering.

"You have no Focus!" I remember sulking as my master reviewed my SOP for Grad school. "You need to be the best in the world at one thing" says Dad. But why? I rebel but agree.

I cry because I can't. I want to be everything. I'll die a million times and be reborn. How. Who What Where Why Which When. Premonition.