The Big Blur

Once upon a time, on a cold winter day in class. She was almost sliding out of the chair, couldn't compose her posture or concentrate on the lecture. All the math seemed stupid, engineering figures and the robotic linkages looked like lego blocks and toy figures. Her brain hurts. Too much. She shifted her gaze away from the screen. She wanted to scream at the top of her lungs - I don't want this. This isn't what I expected. She wanted to bang on the tables and say I've had enough, Please stop it. She wanted to scream GaAhahAh Arghhh. But, Can't.

She wanted to do something with her hands or voice or visually make a mess of something. All that she could do was draw. She used her coloured pens to draw zig-zag lines, circles, stars, scribble weird shapes that made no sense. She stopped and wondered why she was doing this. She looked at people around her and started to write down the notes. She started tapping her feet, flexing her muscles and focusing on her breath. However, her gaze shifted back to the bottom of the notes and she continued to scribble. She walked out of class with a mini-mental-nervous breakdown. Her vision became blurry and she leaned against a wall in the hallway and thought about her life...I don't know what I need. What do I truly love? Can I be doing this for the rest of my life? I know I'm not even good at this. Why should I learn it now? This way? Why does everything have to make sense anyway? Who told me to do this? Why is everything happening in a sequential fashion? Failure, success, up's, low's, stagnation, etc. Am I an imposter? Do I have a disorder? Where is the spark? Do people think like me? Nothing made her smile anymore. It wasn't even like she can cry and get it over with. Or, talk to someone and feel better about it. She could sense something was missing and she had never ever felt the same way in her life. No, she was not sad or depressed. She was just stressed or way too distracted by her thoughts which were racing at the speed of light. She couldn't even have the courage to write them down in a book or tell someone because she was thinking of 4 different things at the same time, comparing and contrasting cliches, clues and connotations and juxtaposing them with dyslexic concepts and being a critic and wasn't able to frame constructive or clear sentences.

She knows that she can find comfort in many things. Looking at old pictures, listening to songs, eating desserts, watching movies and even gossip. The question was still stuck in the back of her mind. She wasn't present or focused ever. She used to force herself to fall asleep in classes so that she doesn't have to hurt her brain in figuring out whether she liked the lecture or think of other things. Pacing back and forth doesn't help or staying up hours in the night. She doesn't know what to believe in anymore? Why are humans even created for? She questioned her spirituality. Do I really have to believe in God? Why am I even here? She is wondering if she was doing the right thing. What if she made a mistake? Guilt. Shame. Ok. Stop. Just go with the flow she assured herself. Play it safe like everyone else. But, her thought's wouldn't let her. There was an opposing force that just would'nt let her be normal. How can she be sure of anything?

She knows that she is still young and she has all the time in the world. Follow the crowd, fail, be a fool and figure out that everything in this life is unfair. There are millions of opportunities. She needs to take control of herself, her thoughts, and actions. She knows that this feeling is going to fade away. Maybe not? Maybe she is not a human? Can this be used as fuel to fire up this artificial being? Imperfection and illusions are imminent. She wants a piggyback ride on a unicorn. Fly on Aladdin's Magic Carpet. Freeze time and have fun with Frankenstein. Wake up and win the hearts of millions. Stop being a whiner and be a winner. This is your wonderland. You are the warrior. Wow. Woah.Who? You.